new submissions rules

For Potential Clients:

1. Formatting: Margins are optional. As long as you fit everything on one page, it doesn’t matter what kind of font you use. Colored paper is cheerful. White paper is boring. Stickers or glitter are particularly helpful. Obviously that makes snailmail queries superior to email ones.

2. As long as we’re at it, grammar and spelleng is optional too. Above all, do not bother spending time on profreading.

3. Due to rising costs of business in the current economy, we must now charge 42 cents for each email query after the first one. Luckily, in May this will still be less expensive than sending them by post as the rates are going to rise again.

4. Bribes will now be accepted. (Please note that you may still not refer to these as “reading fees” as we must comply with the AAR canon of ethics.)

5. An agent needs to get to know you well, particularly at the early stage of the query letter. So please include your date of birth, parents’ names (including mother’s maiden name) and occupations, marital status, number of children (if any), favorite color, favorite animal, and any other important personal information. If you want to say something about your novel too, that would be grand.

6. Queries may now only be submitted on the first Tuesday of every month if your gender is female and the second Thursday of each month if your gender is male. If your gender is neither or both, please feel free to submit at any time.

7. Each and every query will now receive an individual and detailed response. Regretfully, that means we must raise our response time to approximately 9 months.

For Clients:

1. Each full manuscript must be accompanied by a bottle of single malt. For partials and outlines, you can send nips.

[Edit 4/3/09 – Just in case you are reading this somewhere else and can’t see the date it was posted, it was April 1st. Really? You thought I was serious about the glitter?]

61 responses to “new submissions rules

  1. So, regarding 3, is that retroactive to prior queries or only starting now? O:D
    (You’re gonna need those nips if anyone forgets what today is.)

  2. I will be sending an elephant along with my query, serving as both my bribe and as the answer to the ‘favurit animul’ question.
    Please remember, you don’t get the single malt until you request a full…

  3. So that’s what my subs have been missing, glitter.
    Needed a good laugh this a.m. Sorry it’s born out of your misfortune.

  4. The funny… it burns!

  5. If you could actually promise an individual and detailed response in only 9 months, I’d be all over it! πŸ™‚

  6. I’m a potential client, can I still include a bottle of single malt?
    And I didn’t see anything about your stand on the use of crayons. Could I get a clarification? I just sharpened my canary Crayola.

  7. Sounds like happy fun times. May I you?

  8. Brilliant! Too bad I already have an agent…I have the perfect glittery sparkly perfumed unicorn paper!

  9. Honestly, I was thinking about including a bottle of single malt with Book 2 anyway. Soooo ahead of the game here…

  10. 1. Formatting: Margins are optional. As long as you fit everything on one page, it doesn’t matter what kind of font you use. Colored paper is cheerful. White paper is boring. Stickers or glitter are particularly helpful. Obviously that makes snailmail queries superior to email ones.
    2. As long as we’re at it, grammar and spelleng is optional too. Above all, do not bother spending time on profreading.

    You know, they already have a name for this: Standard Myspace Format
    πŸ™‚

  11. Damn… glitter, that’s what got me rejected wasn’t it? I didn’t animate my query email with glittery fun.
    *sigh*
    I’ll do better next time. I promise. πŸ˜€

  12. regarding C1 — do previously submitted bottles count toward future manuscripts?

  13. I’ve always liked you. Today it’s more like love .

  14. Ha! I love it! Does this mean we can send photos and other attachments with our emails, too?

  15. *laughs out loud*

  16. If I send a bottle of single malt with my query, am I in?
    Puffy stickers?
    No?
    πŸ˜‰

  17. (Please note that you may still not refer to these as “reading fees” as we must comply with the AAR canon of ethics.)
    :: dies and iz ded ::

  18. YAY, garmmer & speling r opitionl!!!1111
    Typing all that crap correctly was getting on my last nerve.

  19. I continue to have a “first time through misreading” syndrome. So I read Item 1 as “martinis are optional.”
    Then I got to your Item 1 for Clients and saw I was not far off. Though, of course, single malts are far superior to martinis.

  20. If we’re not sure how much to bribe, is it okay to just include a blank check and our checking account number so you can see our current finance limits? Or do you prefer credit card numbers?

  21. I laughed out loud when I first read this list, but then I realized that some poor soul might see it and actually think you’re serious.

  22. Wow. For a second I thought you really meant it and got worried. But as I went down the list, I realized (to my relief) that you were being sarcastic.
    Ooooh, I just got it. April fool’s day.
    Nice one.

  23. Totally forgot it was April Fools. I read just part of the first rule and wondered what the heck had gone wrong. Once I remembered, I enjoyed them. Thanks for the laugh!

  24. I sure wish you’d posted this BEFORE I submitted work to you! Jeez!
    πŸ˜›
    Happy April Fools Day to you too.

  25. So I assume animated gifs in the body of the email is encouraged too? Woo hoo!

  26. If I ever do become your client, you can look forward to a nice Solera Reserve. Happy April Fool’s Day. Thanks for the chuckle.
    Lee.

  27. Nothing like glitter and drinks! Absolutely scream professionalism. Hahaha.
    I was going to wish you a Happy April Fools day but now I’m questioning if you’re just having a really crappy query week. πŸ˜€

  28. This makes it so much easier. See, I’ve got this idea…well, it’s a sorta idea…there’s these two guys, and…well, I haven’t gotten the next part down yet. so…but I’ve got my bio all done. I’ll drop it in the old email real son…erm…soon, and then we can git this thingy going.
    I’ll toess IN A CASE of Sam Adams too. ‘cuz youor really special.

  29. And a happy April Fool’s Day to you too. πŸ™‚

  30. Heh. Sadly, some people will take this to heart…. πŸ˜€

  31. I’ve heard that when people ask Harlan Ellison where he gets his ideas, he tells them, “Schenectady.” Unfortunately, when he does this during a talk, invariably someone will come up after and ask for a specific street address.
    My point, and I do have one, is that you should probably invest in a hand vaccuum NOW to deal with all the forthcoming glitter.

  32. ❀
    LoL this made me laugh out loud for real…which became messy because I was eating while I read πŸ˜‰

  33. I love this.
    kewl! my manuscripte will totaly be excepted now!!! πŸ˜€

  34. Hehe, I wonder how many people will link to this post, thinking it was serious. By the way, is that malt whisky, or vinegar? You didn’t specify πŸ™‚

  35. IM AFRAYED OF USING EMAIL. UNDER YUR NEW RULSCAN I SUMBIT MY QRUY IN THECOMMENTS THREAD AND/OR POST WHOLE CHAPERS? THANSK LOOKING FORWARD TO YOUR RESPONSE & YOU WILL LUV MY BOOK MY MOM SAYS SHELVES IT AND HASNT EVEN GOT TO THE END YET BUT IWILL FINSH WRING IT SOON THANKS

  36. You do realize you can’t actually be explicit enough to stop some people from taking this seriously, right?
    Well, at least you’ll be getting the single malt.
    Thanks for the laugh!

  37. Is Carnation Chocolate Malt an acceptable alternative?

  38. That was hilarious! You’ll tell us if anyone really does this right? I can’t wait for the next query update. LOL!

  39. Oh, you toy with us! Happy April Fool’s day. I almost was one (birthday-wise πŸ™‚

  40. Hee, hee, hee! That was awesome!

  41. I’m going to use these rules for my students. Thank you ever so much for the idea! eh um! πŸ™‚

  42. blog
    fyi– if you click the link on Nathan Bransford’s blog, it takes you to a 2008 post. I assumed long ago you weren’t maintaining yours. Glad to see otherwise!

  43. Stickers and glitter are awesome. Its about time ya’ll at the Maass Agency realized that. Now you just need to get with the program and allow flash powerpoint presentations instead of a synopsis. What in this world could not be expressed through powerpoint?
    Would you like your “reading fee” as credit card, check, or small, unmarked bills?

  44. As it happens, I just finished printing the manuscript for my 425,000-word fantasy epic, the first of a six-part series, on some violently pink 110-lb. card stock I found on clearance at Hobby Lobby. Once I add the Hello Kitty stickers and spray a little Old Spice on it, I’ll put on my drag queen clothes and get it in the post on Tuesday with a box of expensive, if slightly melted, chocolates.
    Should I wait until after you read it to schedule my interview with Oprah, or can I go ahead and get that out of the way?

  45. I’m pretty sure that last note isn’t kidding…

  46. bribe
    Since I’m a gourmet cook and you love fine food, I knew excactly what kind of bribe to offer.

  47. I love you.
    Cheers. Single malt on the way. πŸ™‚
    Well, to ME, anyway.
    Well played, Miss J.

  48. I’m in!
    Where do I sign up. I can submit an application like this!
    Thanks for the smile this morning πŸ˜‰
    Anita

  49. OMG OMG ROFL
    Except for glitter- it has no half-life.
    Happy April fools to you too Miss Jennifer.

  50. Lucky it was April Fool’s Day here (Australia) yesterday. I’m wise to you. Very good though and funny!

  51. Well Ikant aford singlemlt whiskey. How about a kartn of icecreem? all be nice and packk it with my mss in dryices.
    kthankx 4 t’ laugh!

  52. Yay instructions I can actually follow! Time to break out the hello kitty paper.

  53. Didn’t notice the date initially…
    And proceeded to read the post seven times. Then I almost cried because I queried last week and had not taken the all important glitter and single malt route.
    Seriously, though. I was reading along, thinking “Aww, this is cute.” Then I got to the “If you want to say something about your novel too, that would be grand,” and I spit Pepsi all over my computer screen.
    FYI–single malt’s in the mail. Not easy to get past the fine people at the Post Office, but not impossible. It’s all about determination.
    –AC

  54. Single Malt Liter Covered In Pink Glitter
    Does this bribe work, or should I go with the gold glitter? Do you have a ribbon color preference? πŸ˜€ Though sadly it may take a while before I can send it since I haven’t finished my genealogy tree. Going back to the Fifteenth century takes a lot of time, ya know.
    Thanks for the laugh.

  55. I can’t speak for everyone else, but I totally believed you were serious about the glitter. Of course I belong to the “it’s better if it’s sparkly” school of thought.
    If you can’t throw glitter at it or Bedazzle it what, really, is the point of it?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s